Update

Well, lg is back at work and is doing fine. Our experiment is still on hold…for now. I am heading up to Virginia on Monday to be with my mother. It doesn’t look like she will make it through the next couple weeks. I have a ton of stuff I wish I had the time to sort through…using this blog as a tool as I have been doing. I will start posting again when I get back and all this craziness is done (not that there won’t be other craziness to deal with then).

I truly miss writing here…I just don’t have the time right now. Soon, hopefully.

Until then…Keep living well.

Forever Training.

C.

I wasn't tagged...but I don't care : )

I read a few haikus over at Life As His that annissa wrote...and I hadn't done any for a long time so I figured what the hey...they're fun!

Here are a couple from me.


Haiku = 3-5-3 (these are the hardest in my opinion)

Love and sex
Interchangeable
Very fine

Reverant
Respectful lover
Cums for me

Haiku = 5-7-5

Confusions abound
But worth the effort given
For love to prevail

Rope on flesh tightens
She moans louder and louder
For final release

Tanca Haiku = 5-7-5-7-7

One plus one is two
Difficult relationship
Two plus one is three
Three times harder than two is
But three times the love than two

From inside somewhere
I feel the turmoil collide
With enlightenment
And watch myself helplessly
Become one with the struggle

Forever Training.

C

Coming Back

Well, the surgery went about as perfectly as we could have hoped. lg is recovering nicely. We are currently out of state visiting my parents. My mother has MS and has been bed-ridden for a couple years now. She is doing very well also. lg is out shopping with my Dad's girlfriend and I'm playing with my new HP laptop (God, this thing is awsome!).

The last month has been like no other in my life, stresswise. Both my mother and lg have had surgery, the site that I work for launched a new format and my boss left town for two weeks, leaving me to take care of the new site alone, and the boy was suspended from school for 'pantsing' a girl. **sigh** I think, though, that I am over the peak and am working my way down the other side...finally.

lg and I have had our moments. She has been stressed over the surgery and has had some problems letting go of control of our household, day-to-day stuff, and I have, of course, been the one that she has vented her frustrations on. Its ok, though. Understandable.

The subject of D/s has not come up, as I intended. At times, she has shown signs that she did not want to pursue it any longer, and at other times, has let go and been my little girl once again. Complicated creature, my wife.

lg still has much recovering to do, so it will be awhile before we discuss it again. There is the strong possibility that she will not want to pursue it any longer. And that will be ok with me.

There is a stronger possibility, I think, that she WILL want to continue our experiment. If that is the case, it will be very different. Different for two reasons.

Reason one: Our experimentation into D/s so far has been a growing experience for me. And the last month or so has given me more confidence in that I know now that I can handle just about anything, when it comes to the relationships in my life. lg has wanted her man to take more responsibility in our lives and now I feel like I am ready to give her that. Not only am I not as resistant to it now, I find myself actually desiring it. For ths reason, I believe that Phase two of our D/s experiment will be more successful than the first. I now have the tools and the attitude to be a better Dominant.

reason two: I think that my ability to do what needs to be done will give lg the confidence to let go and allow herself to be dominated. And this is a must. lg MUST adhere to my authority. Without question. It is something she has had much trouble with, but if she/we want this to succeed, she must trust me enough to actually take care of her. And I will not be able to do that unless she does as I ask her, even if it is something she wouldn't normally have done. But isn't that the point...isn't that what she is asking for...for our lives to be different and for me to be in control of those differences? I think it is.

We are catching up again. And our lives and struggles won't be so overwhelming. I am a very lucky man to have the loving people around me that I do...and they all deserve my love, and yes...my guidance...and I have guidance to offer.

Forever Training,

C.

Tired

I know. Its been a long time since I posted anything here. It has been a very active and confusing few months, to put it mildly.

lg has been to the doctor and has severe displasia (a precurser to cancer). The result is that she must have a hysterectomy. She will be going into the hospital on March 6th and, if all goes well, will be there for 3 days. She will then be out of work for a month.

This news has brought a lot of things in our life to a head and brought some things to a screeching hault. I have put our experimentation with D/s on hold indefinately. lg needs to do nothing but put her full attention to herself for both prepairing for her surgery and healing after. I know that this type of surgery is not as serious as it used to be, but anytime you go under the knife seems real serious to me. They will be doing the surgery vaginally, which is good, and they intend on leaving her ovaries intact, also very good news. We had both already agreed that neither of us wanted more kids, so that is also not an issue.

But...

lg is stressing. And so am I.

She is being extremely good about the whole thing, and is sharing her feelings about it fairly well. But it is impossible not to worry. Both her mother (biological) and grandmother died of cancer. She is overwieght, smokes and gets little exersice. And I am no better.

I think that lg's desire to explore D/s stemmed from her desire to change our lifestyle in general, and for me to take more responsibility for her and from her. I have been trying to do just that, but my own patterns, habits and routines are hard to get out of. I want to be the Man, Dominant, Master, Lover, Friend that she desires. But in order to be those things for her, I have to get through my own set of problems.

I am a procrastinator. I am lazy. I am set in my ways. I have few friends and no social life and prefer it that way. I'd rather watch a movie with only myself and lg to going out anywhere. I don't dance. I have a short temper and tend to yell when I get angry. I have musical talent that has been wasted. I have artistic talent that has been wasted. I have absolutely no organizational skills. I am the Great Communicator, as long as we are talking about anything but me. I cannot control our thirteen year old son.

I am afraid I would die without lg.

I think that is the big one of late. Don't get me wrong, I really think lg is going to be just fine. Better than before, actually. But it has brought up issues in my mind that I had never really confronted before.

Just thinking about how we will eat while lg is out of commission is enough to send me into a slight panic. The last time I did laundry, I had to buy all new socks and a few new shirts (they turned pink). I fear that, without lg, I will be unable to function day to day. She is the glue that holds me together. Hell, she is the glue that has held my entire family (both sides) together for a long time. And the biggest gift lg got for Christmas was a bagless vacuum cleaner. Jesus.

We (the family) have taken advantage of lg and taken her for granted for far too long. And it stopping has to start with me.

I would appreciate any prayers (whoever or whatever you may be praying to) for lg in the next month or so.

We are tired...but we will get through it.

Forever Training.

C.

Merry Christmas

I hope everyone's holidays go the way you plan.

C.

Pain and Other Pleasures

I have stated in the past that lg is afraid of me and what I might do to her in this new lifestyle. I have been sexually active since I was twelve and having started that journey so early, I think, had a lot to do with where that journey has led me.

I have always been a very sexual being. You might think this an exaggeration, but I have cum at least ten times a week, average, since I was twelve. Some weeks were less (not many) and some were much more (once, when I was seventeen or so, I counted 67 times in one week). If I hadn’t met lg, I believe I would have done everything in my power to get into the sex industry (and would probably be dead by now).

lg and I started our sexual relationship almost from our first date. She was not nearly as experienced as I, but was eager to learn and experience new things. Sex has always been intense between us and lg went with me into many new experiences over the years, some she liked and some she did not.

At some point (I honestly am not sure when), she and I started to drift in different directions sexually. Most of it had to do with the fact that when the boy was born, lg went immediately into ‘Mother-Mode’, her priorities changing drastically (technically, the boy was conceived during our very first session…we just didn’t know what to call it then). Both our lives were turned upside down and we both changed what our priorities were. Except for sex. I think that lg felt, at the time, like I think a lot of new mothers do, that she could not be a good mother AND be a wild slut. On certain levels I think this is true for mothers. I, on the other hand, saw no conflict between my being a father and my desire to continue my sexual journey. I think lg did find a conflict. Don’t get me wrong, we continued to have good sex, but it was usually safe, ‘normal’ sex with very little experimentation or exploration.

I had always spent a good amount of time in the bathroom, or late at night after lg was in bed, masturbating and lg never gave me a hard time for it. I think she has always been a little jealous of it, but also realized that it was much better than my going out to find someone else to ‘play’ with and I think she knew that I needed the release. Well, after the boy was born, my personal sessions started going in new directions involving pain and humiliation. I guess you could say I started playing Dom to my own sub, using fantasy as fuel. I basically started doing to myself all the things that I wanted to be doing to lg.

And I never hid what I was doing. Ok, a better way to put it is that I did not DENY what I was doing. She knew where I kept my variety of bottles, dildos, needles and other toys (she still does…just, they are in with her toys now).

So, this is where her trepidation derives from. She knows that I do all these kinky things that frighten her, but doesn’t have a clear picture of what they actually are, her imagination helping to increase her fear, I’m sure. Of course, she HAS seen some of my handy-work...

Click here

And once, even had to take me to the hospital, where I spent three days recovering from a particularly intense night (I’ll just leave it up to the reader to decide what that injury might have been…it wasn’t the night I took those pics).

So, believe me when I say that I understand her feelings. She has witnessed many of the effects of my own exploration, without being a direct part of it. It has taken me years to get to the point, sexually, that I am now. I have never had a “Dominant’, but I can tell you that I DO know about ‘sub space’ (and Dom space for that matter).

Now that lg has expressed her interest in exploring her own (kinky) needs, I have had to pull myself back in order to help her find what she wants. And I believe that she does not think that I can; that I will pull her in so deep, so fast, she’ll drown.

This couldn’t be further from the truth. I want the two of us to meet again in that journey more than anything else and the only way to do that is for lg to dive right in. The problem that I see so far is that, while she does dive in now and then, she does it with her eyes scrunched tightly closed, instead of watching what she is diving into. And this is how I can and will help her when she is ready; by guiding her through, hand in hand, the things that I have already experienced. AND holding HER hand tight when she takes a direction that I hadn’t. THAT is what excites me about all this. I need my sexual adventure partner back.

This is not a ‘slam’ post on lg. I am SO proud of her, not only for the WAY she has been handling the new things in her life, but also WHAT things she is dealing with (and not just sexually). I know that she feels like we are not as close as we could be; that we are drifting apart again, but I want her to know that the only difference between this and the hundred or so times that we have gone through major changes before is that we now have much more experience doing it. Just because we can’t see clearly exactly where we are going does not mean that we don’t know the way. We do. And I depend on her for guidance through my own turmoil…and hope that she will accept my guidance through hers.

I truly love her more than life itself. Without her, I am not me. Without her, the World is black and white. Without her, I would be dead.

Forever Training.

C.

Dom Training

An interesting weekend.

On Friday I cleaned the whole house before lg got home, something I rarely do. I did it because lg has had a ton of stuff to keep up with lately and is having trouble with her back again. I wanted her to have a relaxing weekend. She was very appreciative.

She has, in the past, expressed interest in doing some bondage things without the spanking, flogging, etc. So, on Saturday afternoon I decided I would tie her up and leave her for an hour or so. I had planned on putting her in a position that was comfortable for her back, but I never got the chance. As I was preparing her for it, her laying on the bed already in thigh/wrist cuffs, she started with this long string of…well…no other way to put it …bitching. This cuff was bothering her, her hair was pulling, …”make sure you remember about my back!”, …how will I reach my drink?”, etc. etc…bla, bla, bla. I tried to let it go, even told her to be quiet once, but she kept on until I was pissed off. So, I pulled her out of the cuffs and told her that I wanted this weekend to be relaxing for her and that if she didn’t want to do this, then fuck it!

You see, I am still new to all of this. And I haven’t got the nuances down. Like when to heed what lg is saying to me during a session or to shut her up myself. And I get embarrassed. Embarrassment is not a good emotion for a Dom. I am always afraid that if lg says or does things that are not to my liking during a session that I will make the wrong choice. I could not listen to her and shut her up with a gag or tape, or I could listen to what she is saying (or trying to say…us Doms have ESP you know) and make a judgment about what to do accordingly. This is what I did on Saturday. And guess what? It was the wrong decision. She wanted me to shut her up, or at least not end the session. But here we are again…how am I supposed to know the difference??? She wants me to control her, but she wants me to know what she wants ahead of time…without her telling me. Catch 22 if you ask me.

lg and I talked about it and she agreed to try and let me know what she wants from me (as soon as she figures it out) and I would try not to get frustrated with her (more easily said than done).

The rest of the evening was pleasant. We spent it talking and bullshitting with each other. I did require her to suck me every half hour for the rest of the night, which she did half-heartedly. In her defense, her back is at a stage that she should be staying in bed, but she won’t. Too many things to do, dontcha know.

Lg went to bed around ten or so and I stayed up and played on the ‘net and proceeded to get very, very drunk. I let the bondage and torture newsgroups get me extremely worked up and the trials with lg from earlier started to get me pissed off again. So around six in the morning (I hadn’t been to bed yet) I went into our bedroom and threw lg over on her back.

I was bad. Cruel, even. I proceeded to punish her with the way I fucked her. She kept yelling for me to get off of her, but I did not listen. She wanted a fucking Dom, I was going to give her one.

“You scare me when you are like this!” she kept screaming.

“Well, meet your Dom, cunt!” was my only response…along with fucking her even deeper and harder, squeezing her tits the way I know she hates, slapping her pudgy belly. To be totally honest, I remember cumming, mainly because I wanted to cum in her mouth (another thing she hates) but couldn’t get up to her face in time. After that, I must have passed out, cuz next thing I knew, I was waking up and it was noon.

I laid there for a long time, thinking of what had happened. I knew that lg was probably in the living room watching TV or preparing for her family to come over and visit. At least I hoped so…that she hadn’t just left. I felt both vindicated and ashamed for what had happened. And I had no idea what lg’s reaction would be.

Finally, I left the bedroom and found lg’s mother sitting in the living room already. I walked around the corner and into the kitchen where lg was already cooking. When our eyes met, she had that look in her eyes that I recognize but can hardly ever figure out. I went up to her and opened my arms and she immediately fell into them.

“You were so mean to me this morning…” she said into my chest, her voice breaking.

“I know, baby. You know how much I love you, though, don’t you?” I replied. I was NOT going to apologize. Even if I should.

She just nodded her head below my chin and hugged me hard.

The rest of Sunday was good. lg showed no signs of being mad or upset. We had a good visit with the folks, watching the last NASCAR race of the season (Thank God!). lg was loving and attentive.

So. How to interpret this. I am still trying to figure it out. A fine line between knowing what someone says they want and what they really want. I will keep trying…’til the day I die and beyond if possible. But I also plan on holding my ground more often…so that lg gets from me what she needs…so that I get what I need…and impromptu sessions like Saturday morning’s aren’t necessary.

Forever Training. <--my new signage.

C.

tonight

lg,

The boy is away for tonight and tomorrow and everything that needs to be done is done. Come home tonight and understand that you are loved and do whatever it is you want to do. It is your night to do as you like...not what others want.

I look forward to spending time with you and will not be any more demanding of you than you want me to be. I love you and I am proud of you for all the things you accomplish everyday.

I'll be there to pick you up in a few minutes. Let the stress go the minute you clock out. I love you.

C.

P.S. Panties on the seat! : )~